A Homage to Brisket

Dear Schwartz’s,

Yes, this is a love letter. No matter what I say will never encapsulate the  feelings, the memories, the history, and the love that is between your four walls. All that I know is that whenever I visit, I am never disappointed. Schwartz’s is clutch. It is knowing that every time you go, if you order a medium Montreal smoked meat sandwich, a pickle, and a Cott’s black cherry soda it will be the same, EVERY TIME. My best memories are when my friend Mike comes to visit. We always go, sometimes we go twice. We order the same thing, smoked meat plate, fat, pickle, Cott’s black cherry. The smoked meat plate is either for really hungry people, or people who still try to eat more than their friends do. Mike and I are in the later group. A Schwartz’s smoked meat plate is delectable. You need the pickle because it cuts some of the gluttonous terror that you have in front of you. If you’re barreling down on your last piece of rye bread and you still have five or six pieces of smoked meat in front of you, you’re in trouble. I’ve been in this scenario; you didn’t go the mile high route. You’ve run out of bread, maybe you’ve even run out of pickle, now you just have meat. Delicious. Seductive. Brisket! Now if you’ve already mowed down a  half pound of smoked meat you’re probably full, add half a loaf of  rye bread, a giant pickle and a soda, you’re feeling  REALLY full, but you still have meat. You look to your friend beside you, s/he’s still eating, the pressure’s on.  If you feel the need to finish the plate after eating all that food, one thing happens. Any guesses? Once you put that piece of meat in your mouth you get the “meat sweats”. I don’t know where the term was coined, but the first time I heard about it, I didn’t believe it. Not until you go to Schwartz. Order the plate, finish it, you will get the meat sweats. Meat Sweats occurs when you eat so much meat you just begin to sweat, it is uncomfortable, unhealthy, unattractive, and unbelievable. If you’re a self proclaimed gastronaut like I am, you do gluttonous things. You order ridiculously large plates of smoked meat and eat it, you mop up your bacon grease with bread, you order foie gras poutine, it comes with the title, it tastes good and by God, if I don’t die tomorrow from a coronary heart attack I am still winning. To say the least, if you go to Montreal, go to Schwartz’s. It will be the best 12$ you ever spend.

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